Bryan

"Who Am I To Say" - Hope
one of my new favorite songs....

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
& that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
& who am I to say you need me
& who am I to say you love me

I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all

so wtf have i been up to you ask?

well, for one thing, this weekend was definitely uninvited. i'll try to make it short. so thursday, during lab, i started to feel weird, so i figure i'd go home and sleep it off. i get home and lie down and within an hour, my body temperature shoots through the roof, i start sweating all over like a mad man, my body aches all over, and i'm shivering like i'm in the fuckin' arctic. then this horrible sore throat comes out of nowhere and attacks me...so basically i can't eat or drink anything. i litereally thought i was gonna die thursday night....

so friday, i wake up from like not really sleeping the night before, and i call in sick. then i realize that time sheets are due and i can't afford not to get paid this month. so i drive my sick ass up to haas and turn it in. then i drive to longs drugs to pick up some ibuprofen for my aches and fevers (since tylenol did jack shit the night before). on the way home, i decided enough was enough, so i stopped by the tang center, stumbled in, and basically said "ummmm...i'm dying..help me"

sure enough, they did. my fever then was clocked at 101.4 (which kinda scares me cuz i know i was hotter the night before). they took me back to urgent care and lay me down. i hadn't eaten or drank anything in 24+ hours, so i was really weak and dehydrated. plus, i couldn't really swallow any pain mediaction. so, they decided to give me pain kllers (torredol...i think i spelled that right...) and re-hydration stuff through an IV. they first drew blood to do a mono test then took a throat swab to do a strep culture. then they hooked me up to the IV and let me pass out.

the tests came back. i didn't have mono. i didn't have strep. wtf was it?! it seemed like strep cuz i've had it before and it felt like it was coming like last time. so they sent me away with antibiotics for the "strep" and vicodin for the pain.

....oh, but the fun doesn't stop there.....

so i tell my parents when i'm there what's going on and, like any parents would, they kinda freak out. they insist one of them come up to take care of me. bla bla bla....[ insert big argument over the phone here ]....*poof* my dad is in berkeley by saturday afternoon.

he...um..."takes care of me" the best way he can... after all, shouldn't "mother know best"?? anyway, he leaves sunday...then i realize i'm fucked for all the work i'm supposed to do this weekend...like research for my final paper on japanese photographer mariko mori...start (and ideally, finish) my cs project...and catch up on all my readings...

[ le sigh ]

welcome to my f-ed up life.

* end scene *

so it's been officially forever and a day since i last posted on this thing. wtf have i been doing this whole time?? basically busy as fuck...not to mention in the middle of sorting out a shit load of stuff. sometimes i still get the feeling like my life is just to be some reality show or some soap on daytime television....

haha...i just realized i always randomly write in this thing after long periods of falling off the face of the earth...only to reappear and bitch some more.

i swear...i'm not all THAT fucked up.........just enough to start seeing a shrink. lol.

in any case, a quick update, yes?

summer school started today...taking cs61c and history of art r1b...boooooo

working now at the haas school of business for the has computing service (hcs) as a computer techie. pretty chill job...pays well. heh heh.

family's still a bitch to work through. the emotional roller coaster my parents are taking me on is just too much to handle. it's pretty much the main reason for my shrink. i'm so glad she's chinese too (i think...haha.) she definitely understands my family background when i mention my father. i think we're going to have a meaningful relationship. hahahahahaha.

went to sf pride this weekend. OMG!! i'm kicking myself in the shin for living in the bay area for the past three years and NEVER going to a single pride. i'm wondering wtf i was thinking then. now i wish i had gone from day one. it's definitely on my schedule every year from now on..... hung out with tony, eric, peetey, jeff, and mike. fun times. =) oh, and thanks emilie for letting me crash at your place!! of course...with that many divas in one place at once, drama's bound to happen...which leads me to my next topic...

this weekend also put into perspective how fucked up my i really am in terms of relationships. i think i'm still trying to sort out in my mind wtf really is wrong with me. i know it's been almost 2-3 years since my last relationship, but i still feel scared to even get into another one...even though that's what i want (or at least think i want...) is that normal? i probably don't even make sense now. but i've definitely met a few amazing guys...smart...sexy...hot...very funny...holds great conversation...loves my friends...and is really, really into me. and i find it's always myself that prevents anything from happening. maybe i'm just holding on to that little thing inside that's just a hope that he might want me back....even though i'm probably nowhere in the picture from his point of view. [le sigh]

on a happier note, right after finals, i had an AMAZING photoshoot with desi in san jose. i'm so overwhelmed with the results. must schedule a follow-up....haha.

out of this past year, i think the most valuable thing i've gained are amazing friendships (and realizing which ones aren't so picture perfect...) it's the compassion, concerns, and wishes that i feel from kat, vanessa, and brent. when i least expect it, i know they'll be there for me. and that's what i truely appreciate at this fucked up part of my life. got really close to katie and laura through our 145mmmmmmmmmmmmmm class. haha. good times... got to take one last class with james and nick before they head off into the real world. (sad...i know...) and so many more. you all know who you are... thanks for everything...i don't think i ever get the chance to say it enough. =)

wow...i've let 3 months pass without even saying i'm still alive.....craziness

i've been uber busy with shit....school, dance, band, all that -ish

spring break in a week. w00t.

[M]ovement showcase the week after. i have hella practicing i need to do during spring break... =|

the past two weeks have been crazy. been really sick. had to take a midterm while dying. went to la and dallas. had hella dance practice. [sigh]

i'm still alive...just to let you all know....

so it's been forever since i've updated. i just wanted to say that i'm still alive.......

tahoe in 4 days. w00t.

wow....it's been a fucking month since i've written in here........what the fuck have i been up to? well, let's see...........

basically just a shit load of school and band. kinda annoyed at the band situation right now...especially about the bowl game and the shows. just because we've already had banquet and next-comm has been choosen, doesn't mean this current ex-comm can stop doing their job. seriously. the season's not over until the FAT lady sings.....and hun, the bitch is in vegas. i'm just glad the rest of us work so well with eachother that we can just get it done, with his guidance or not. the fact that we are trying to pull of charting a new show while studying hella for our finals while he lounges in front of his new tv and x-box is absolutely rediculous. and trust me, we're all pissed. i feel so much better knowing i'm not the only one with these feelings. [sigh] just gotta hold off until vegas.....then life will be good......

finished 2 of my finals yesterday...ugh...the 8am and the 5pm one. longest day of my life. they were my mcb 32 final and my music 75 final. i think i did really well on both of them. i have my ee 120 final on saturday at 5pm.......don't think i'm ready at all. actually, i should be studying right now, but i'm writing in this damn thing instead. hahaha.

goin' home for xmas. drivin' on xmas eve with mig, tracey, and brig. comin' back up with mig so we can find something to do in the city for nye. w00t.

vegas is gonna be awesome. minus the fact that i'm not 21......but there's plenty to do there without being 21. i'm totally gonna go hella clubbin' and hella buffet eatin'. haha. i know....i'm such a fuckin' fatty. bitch.

hopefully will post more often when finals are fuckin' over. [sigh] gotta go study now.................

so i've noticed that it's been forever since i've updated. things are going crazy right now...i'm so overwhelmed with shit.....

school's raping me up the ass
band's stresses and fun times come and go as always
haven't been working much at all...
...that means money problems

all this business means no love life...

...and that sucks.......relationships suck. you can never win. you're either too busy, or not interested, or interested in someone else, or with someone else. you always somehow end up having to be the "bad guy"......at least i always do. and i hate being the bad guy....

i can't wait for thanksgiving break.....i get to go home...sleep...see people i miss a bunch...go to dland...go swing dancing...the possibilities are endless...[sigh]

i had a photo shoot scheduled for the sunday before halloween.....long story short, the photographer told me he might have to cancel, so i decided to just go to the halloween party at spruce.....then he called me and wanted me to be there at 1 on sunday....i thought hell no....cuz i basically looked like shit cuz i was out late the night before. i'm glad i did that though...or else i would have stayed in on saturday night waiting and wondering if he'd cancel or not. whatever. i'll just reschedle for after thanksgiving.....

so i've finally decided what's going on for thanksgiving. i'm driving back down on wed night with kat and (maybe?) shat. fun times. road trip! w00t.

i know i totally need to update more....it's like i fall off the face of the earth...then reappear to write an entry that basically says that i'm alive and surviving....then i dissapear again... haha. i'll try to update more.

much love to all y'all who have stood beside me the past few months. you have no idea how much you've helped me get through everything....

...........and then i suddenly felt alone and unloved.................

why is it that when the flash of a picture can stir up so memories of old hurt and loneliness??

hello all. so i've finally felt the need to update. it's been seriously like a onth since i've actually posted something worthwhile....

this summer's been an amazing one so far....

-- finished the spring semester with fuckin' great grades (especially for taking 21 units)
i totally espected to do worse than i actually did. it's like the semester i take the most units, i do the best on

-- went home for 2 amazing weeks spent practically every day with eric
he came over to my place, made me lunch, and we sat by the pool drinking lemon drops.....i took him to disnelyland.....i spent the night at his house.....he took me to gameboi la for the first time.....he also took me to a gay beach (which i've never been to...haha)

-- drove my car up to berkeley with eric (that means i have my car now at school....yay!!!!!!!!!!)
car problems within the first 2 weeks...i'll get to that later....

-- spent a week with eric at my berkeley home
took him to sf moma (sf museum of modern art), took him around berkeley, went shopping, etc.....it was fabulous. i cried when i dropped him off at the airport.....

-- started summer school
i was planning on taking 2 classes, e190 and cs61b. but e190 proved to need more experience than i actually had so far...so i just dropped it. cs61b is kinda driving me nuts. my partner's kinda psycho....more on her later....

-- found out my application for my simultaneous degree was approved by my home college
now i just sent it to the college of l&s for my music major approval. [sigh] this is taking waaaaaaaaaay too long.....

-- bought a new laptop
i got a vaio vgn-s150. i'm actually using it now....in lecture....lol. it's 4.2 lbs!! i seriously just take it everywhere. haha.

-- got adobe cs2
which is software i've been looking for forever..............which helped me....

-- finalize my photography portfolio
created my logo on illustrator and finalized my pictures on photoshop. i'll post them once i.....

-- applied for an ocf account
i'll be getting webspace soon...so i'll be managing my site and posting my photography on there.

-- taking hip hop classes at funkanometry sf
dance has been amazing there. they're all so nice and so chill. they had their annual "all dancers" bon fire at ocean beach last weekend. meet people from mind over matter (MoM), kaba modern ( [swoon] ), and other dance groups. there was this band that came and played. they were fuckin' amazing. they sounded just like a recording. [sigh] i totally love the people. hehe.

-- swing dancing alot
not the past few weeks, but the beginning of summer. meet this amazing girl named cassie. she's such a good dancer...i love it. =)

-- finished charting my part in pregame
it was a pain in the ass, but it's done....and i'm pretty happy with the result, to say the least... =D

-- went on our stunt retreat
we went camping for one night at mt. diablo. it was my first time camping, but it was alot of fun. w00t.

-- started cooking alot
it's fuckin expensive!!!! lol. well, i needed to start learning how to cook anyway. i'm gettin pretty good at it too... hehe

-- went to see "flower drum song"
josie was absolutely fabulous in it. i'm kinda sad i didn't make the audition for it back in may. [sigh] oh well.

-- went to see les miz
....on the last day it was in sf!!!!!!!!!! it was sooooooooooo good!!!!!!!!! omg. i wanted to see it again. haha.

-- i'm going to see wicked
august 10th in sf. with allison li (aka "hi honey!!") soooo excited. i've been listening to the soundtrack for soooo long....

-- got my hair cut
josie suggested this amazing place in sf by union square. turned out really good. i like it alot. it's short, but not too short. see my recent pics on either facebook, downelink, or myspace.

-- i've also been working alot
now that i'm only taking one class, with no band or dance stuff, i've been working alot lately. which is good. ashley, the manager who i transfered in with, moved to florida. sadness. she was the one i talked about cute guys who walked into the store with. haha. our 2 new managers are awesome. love 'em both. they're really cool. so the only remaining manager is andy. he's been scheduling me for so much stuff now. it's great. i do stock and shipment with him at night with the stock crew. that's actually alot of fun. we only go til like midnight, but it's still fun. when i was at south coast, we did overnight from 9PM to 6AM shipment shifts. now, THOSE were fun!! i've also been doing alot of visuals and merchandising...like posters, manequins, etc... i love doing manequins...it makes the hours go by faster. haha.

-- got my first credit card
my second one actually came in the mail last night. which doesn't help me, cuz they're both visas...and i need an american express one to use at costco. i went to costco last night and got to the checkout line and my total came to $260. which would be fine if i could have used credit, but they don't take visa credit, only visa debit. so i had to use my debit card...which already had like no money on it cuz i just paid rent and my last credit card bill in full. [sigh] so i'm poor for the next month. which is good i guess cuz it'll force me to stay in, study, and cook................LOL...yeah right!!!! hahahahahaha....

-- meet an amazing guy
eric's bday is coming up at the end of august. i think i've figured out what to get/make him. hehe. i think he'll like it. it's practical, and he'll use it. =P

hopefully, i'll see him in washington.....i just need to make sure i get picked to go on that trip.

he's having a pretty hard time right now with his ex.....and i hate to see him like that. but all that jazz comes with the package of an ex.....i just wish he'd stop blaming himself for things he really had no control over and stop putting himself down and saying how dumb he was for doing this and not doing that.....he's such an amazing guy. anyone would be lucky to get to know him. i know i am. i'm totally a better person for knowing him. he's made me realize so much about who i am and what i'm about. that's what i cherish about our relationship most.





wow. looking back, my summer's been pretty jam-packed with shit. so, if you're wondering why i haven't been updating, that's why. =) it's honestly been one of my most productive times in my life. hope y'all are doin' fine.

w00t.
-bry

p.s. football season is starting soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! i can't wait........ [gets giddy] =D

it's august...fuck.

i'm still alive...surprisingly...

much to write about...but i'll do it when i'm home....

in soda now...

fuckin' project......

[sigh]

i cried today.

while talking to eric on the phone.

i don't think he heard me or knew.

god, i miss him..............

damn it's been long since i've updated

well, i'm off to bed now....i've had the most un-productive day

took wayne to go grocery shopping
had pho with him for lunch
came home and watched episodes of sex and the city
went to dinner
took will to go grocery shopping
came home and watched queer as folk with wayne

i just wrapped up the most amazing 3 weeks with eric. i'll post more about him later. [sigh] he's perfect.......

off to dreamland now....

so i went out with eric for the first time tonight. it was amazing. we went back to my high school and walked on the field holding hands, star gazing, holding each other. he makes me feel so special and warm.....it's such a wonderful feeling. he's so perfect. he's hooooottttttt, sweet, understanding, caring, did i mention he was hot?? lol. [sigh] seriously.....he's perfect. i can't find anything wrong with him. .......except for the fact that he lives here....in so cal. i don't know how i'm going to handle it when i have to leave for berkeley again. i don't know if i can deal with it. i like him sooooooo much. but i don't know if i can say goodbye again....even if it's only temporary. [sigh] that's gonna be one sad day........but he might actually drive up with me. =) it makes me happy. he'll spend a few days with me and we'll hang out in sf and around berkeley. i know i'll never want to let him go. shit i didn't even want him to go home tonight.....i kinda held him hostage in my own car. hahahahahaha. but it was worth it. i guess we'll hafta see how this one plays out..........in the mean time.....


i never ever do these.........this is like the first survey type thing i've put on my lj....but i'm bored...so here it goes

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

this cursed interview
from matt..........

1) if u could revive anyone from death who would it be and why?
the one person i would like to bring back would be walt disney himself. he's probably rolling over in his grave right now seeing all the shit eisner has done to his dream. [sigh] only he could bring back the magic that used to be at disneyland and revive it to what it used to be.....

2) What's your favorite color and where does it play out in ur life?
favorite color? hmmmmmm.... i'm gonna hafta say blue. not only is there a large amount of blue in my closet, it's a color that also calms me. it brings to mind the ocean and cloud-less spring skies....and in my hectic life, it's these moments that keep me sane.

3) if u could only save ONE book from being burned in the world what would it be?
.....not that i read much outside of what's required for school.........my favorite book right now is "the beautiful room is empty" by edmund white. i'm actually in the middle of reading it now...that's why it's at the front of my mind. it's an amazingly written novel about a young male growing up with his conflicting conscious and heart arguing whether being gay is right or wrong. it's beautifully artistic and poetic in its language and it asks some questions that seem to have no answer. beautiful....

4) Favorite color eyes?
blue or green eyes are amazing to get lost in.......they're so clear and so expressive..... [sigh]

5) What do u think is the most "unique" moment in all history?
i'm definitely no history buff......so i'm not the greatest at recalling events in history....so the most unique moment to me relates back to the person i mentioned in question 1. for those of y'all who know me, walt is my idol. his creativity and imagination paired with his ambition and determination is nothing short of inspiring. to me, the most "unique" moment is when walt conceived of the notion of "disneyland." historically speaking, no one had ever attempted to create such a large scale family amusement park. his incorporation of stories, imagery, and fantasy into familiar and not so familiar attractions is definitely a unique moment in the history the entertainment and theme park industries.

i know it's probably not a good idea to be writing this here...but i need to say it. if it's read by someone, then that's fine. at least i got what i've been trying to say for the past semester out to him........


i don't even know where to begin....honestly...i just stared at the screen for like 10 minutes.......ok.....here it goes.....


i know you know i like you......and i know we've talked about it......without really mentioning what "it" is. but for some reason i don't feel at peace. i know the result would have been the same either way. but i just feel that i've left something unfinished. and it's bugging the hell out of me. everytime i'm alone and start thinking, i think of you. i have all these thoughts of what i want to say to you planned out in my head. but for some reason, whenever i'm actually with you, i can't even remember what my name is....or where i am.....or what i'm doing.... i blank. i completely freeze and lose all sense of direction. i guess you already knew that from that one time you were over at my place and i stopped you before you left. but that's just me. ask any one of my friends from dance and you'll see. i've wanted to tell you for the longest time. but i can never get myself to. it's fucking driving me insane. i know you know...and i frankly don't really care. i just need to get those damn three words out of my mouth and into your ears......"i like you"......alot too. i don't know why i can't say those words in person. who knew three little words could trip me up this bad. the main reason i asked if you wanted to meet up tonight was just to do this. it was my chance to actually tell you how i felt about you. but just like all the other times, i couldn't. i guess it's better this way. listening to you tell me all you've been through the past few months made me realize.......i don't need to complicate your life anymore. you have enough to deal with. soon, i'll probably be swept into the back of your mind with all the other guys who had a crush on you. i've just realized that i've been silly thinking i could compete with someone else to get your attention. but i guess i should be used to that. i knew the chances that someone like you would go for someone like me were pretty much non-existant.....but you can't blame me for trying.......or dreaming at least. maybe that's why i didn't want to tell you. because i already knew the answer. and being the dreamer that i am, i wanted to hold on for as long as possible. but i'm not ready to give it up. i know your hurt right now with all your other drama you just told me. i guess that's what's making me want to stick around. you're my friend. and i don't like to see my friends hurt. and it hurts me to see you still feel for the one that's hurting you the most. i guess i'm just confused. i just know that if given the chance, i would never treat you the way he does. you deserve someone who's crazy about you...someone who won't play games...someone who's self-less... yes, i'm confused. maybe even a little jealous. how can someone who treats you like that get your affection and attention, and someone else who would do anything for you get nothing? i don't know. maybe the dreamer in me is hoping you'll change your mind once the drama's settled. but that's probably another dream waiting for its turn to die. the thing i know is that i've never been this tripped up over someone before. i've thought about you this past weekend so much. i haven't eaten. i think my body's getting sick. no matter how much sleep i get at night, i'm still so tired the next day. i can't concentrate on any of my work anymore. and it hurts. every time i think of you or see you or am around you, it hurts. it eats away at me inside...to be around you and know that i can never have you. and i curse myself for moment that happens. it's just the dreamer expecting too much again. i guess that's alway been a habit for me. i expect too much. i go for what i can't have or for someone or something so out of my reach. it's just a reminder that i haven't learned from my mistakes. but i guess some things never change. i never learn from my mistakes. just last night i was at eshelman with harriet. i stopped studying and found myself staring out the window at the empty street...and i started to cry. i have no idea why. i keep finding myself drifting back to friday night at the pj party. i knew i'd regret talking to you. and i was right. i do regret it. and knowing me, i'm probably not gonna learn from this mistake. and it's gonna happen again. and i'm gonna get hurt again. but, hey...that's the way it's always been. i don't even know where i'm going with this. i'm not even reading what i'm typing anymore. i just know i've been trying to get across to you for the longest time and have been failing miserably. if you've actually read this whole thing and gotten this far, i just want to say sorry. i'm sorry for complicating things with my little random crush when you have bigger things to deal with. it was selfish of me to expect anything in return. i'm sorry if i made you feel awkward about anything. i'm sorry i talked about you to your friends. but most of all, i'm sorry i fell for you.

ok ok ok

so i don't know what's going on.....can someone please explain??

i just got home from class.....and i found a rose at my door.

there was a card....but it wasn't signed....and i don't recognize the writing....

i'm confused =|

stuff like this never happens to me.......

fuck. that's all i have to say for this school year. fuck.

i went to a pajama party last night. i walked into the party and everyone knew everyone else. i felt so left out of the gay community.....and to tell you the truth, i don't give a fuck. i've decided i'm so glad i'm not into the gay scene here at berkeley.

i've also decided to say "fuck it" to boys. this whole year i've tried to do myself a favor and help myself get over the love of my life by TRYING to meet people. and all it's left me with is hurt, pain, tears, depression, a shelf of empty alcohol bottles, and the dirty habit of smoking. and as much as i know all this shit is bad for me......i frankly don't give a flying fuck. if i turn into a relentless jackass...then i'm a relentless jackass. if i turn into a filthy slut...then i'm a filthy slut. fuck. and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. fuck. none of this relationship bullshit anymore. the same shit always happens and the same result always comes to slap me in the face. and i'm sick of it.

i guess i thought i was trying to help myself. little did i know it would eventually kill me. if i can't even do myself a favor....shit. i'm screwed.

if i snap at you during the next few days, weeks, months, years.......don't mind me. i've just gone mad and realized it's time for a change.



welcome to the new me. take your seat. dim the lights. curtain up. spotlight on. let the madness begin.

so i'm sitting here in my music of the caribbean class. today was supposed to be the day we're performing our songs with our sections. but our instructor hasn't really been running sections......he just babbles about like culture and history...we get enough of that in lecture. so none of us really know what the hell we're playing...it's kind of amusing.

i have a paper to write for this class. it's due on thursday. i need to choose a song first. bah.

ee40 final project is due friday. still don't really know what i'm doing. we've built the damn thing....we just need to do the write-up. i'm so gonna fail the final for this class.

ee20 is going pretty well. still confused as hell on this last unit, but oh well. life goes on.

cs61a is pretty weird. it's like i started really, really well earlier this semester......and it's decayed exponentially as time went on. [sigh] i have some massive studying to do for all my finals....... [gag]

jazz theory is like my flake class. i've done like no work for it all semester and i have like a 96% in the damn class. w00t. i got a perfect score on the midterm too. haha. i'm scared that my final's gonna be hard.......just cuz there's so many more fucking chords we learned. fucking diminished, melodic minor, and harmonic minor jazz. shit. why does it have to be so complicated? lol.

my wind ensemble performance went pretty well. didn't fuck up my solos as bad as i thought i would. [they were wonderful!! -stacey :D]

performed in golden gate park on saturday for LIVERight with the [M]ovement. went shopping in vintage shores and had tapas afterwards. good times.

i have to finish my application for the simultaneous degree. i hafta turn it in by the end of finals.....that give me like 2 1/2 more weeks. [sigh] i don't know why i'm so masochistic.

fuck. i just remembered i have to prepare a solo for wind ensemble. gah. i need to practice. fjia;ieo;ncie;oanfie;ajfds;

this summer, i might be doing a show or two. josie took me to go meet the director for "flower drum song". i haven't decided if i'll do it or not. there's also auditions for "anything goes" and "miss saigon". i would LOVE to do "miss saigon". it's such a great show......ugh...and the music!! so good. i don't know though....depends on what part i get. i was supposed to be getting a pretty good part in "flower drum song" but i'd be playing the young brother and my older brother who is already cast is like way shorter than me.....so i'm prolly not gonna be getting the party.

so the current trend in my life right now, is that nothing wants to work right........and to prove this trend, i'm gonna vent some..........just a warning....




i swear....this tiime of year is totally not the time for relationships. i'm so fucking over this love thing. boys suck. they do. i don't give a fuck anymore. if i turn into a brian kinney from qaf, then so be it. as brian kinney said in season one - "i don't believe in love. i believe in fucking. there's a maximum amount of pleasure with a minimum amount of bullshit." amen to that. anything would be better than this. i'm so sick of crying myself to sleep at night over some stupid boy or expecting something and having it bow up in my face. i'm sick of being this ginormous shit magnet. i'm so sick of the gay scene. maybe it's just berkeley that's making me wanna gag...and i would say that i can't wait to go back home to so cal...but i also can't stand the superficiality of the gay scene EVERYWHERE i fucking go. and i'm so sick of putting my heart out there just for it to be played with, stepped on, and taken advantage of. i'm so not making sense right now. i'm just babbling. but i'm just sick of my life. someone please end it for me.

i'm done. game over. i quit.

i bought newsies on dvd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it made me happy.

best of all...mike bart-ed all the way from sf at like 10.30pm just to keep me company last night cuz i was feeling lonely. how adorable is that?!?! it made me all giddy. [sigh] yet i'm sad cuz i'm not sure where exactly this is going. =| oh well..................

i want to watch newsies now.

why do i feel so lonely and empty right now? fuck.

ok.

that is all.

i just got back from the best night of swing dancing EVER!!!!

first off, i got talked with Carla (of Kevin & Carla). she's so nice and she was really interested in our swing group from school. then i got to dance with her. omg. she's fucking amazing to dance with.

second, there was a live band. they played all the great, classic, standards. a few too many balads if you ask me, but still great taste in music. none of this random all big bad voodoo daddy type bands that memories has almost every friday and play music way too fast to dance too ...

lastly, IT WAS ON A FREAKIN' AIR CRAFT CARRIER!!!! how cool is that?!?! i wore my vintage sailor outfit, of course. =) there were so many good dancers...but carla was still my favorite of the night to dance with. [sigh]

this concludes probably the best night of swing i've ever had. i must do this again...aparently, they have this event at the uss hornet every few months......i must look into this......